April 21st 201 Resurrection Day

Today is a very significant day.  It is Resurrection Sunday (Easter) and it is also my birthday. 

I haven't blogged in a long time.  Life got really busy.  Then life got busier. Then life got destroyed.  Then life got super crazy busy again and then life got destroyed again... and today I begin anew.  Well, each day is new and each day His mercies for me are new, but especially today as I think about how Jesus rose from the dead concurring sin and death, I think of beginnings and it being my birthday only makes it more significant.

The nut shell of the past few years... truly JUST the nut shell.....

After we moved to Paradise I started homeschooling the girls.  Homeschooling is more than a full time job especially when you are as involved in extra activities as we are.  Dance, drama, co-ops, writing classes, center classes, craft classes and field trips! Oh and of course reading, writing and arithmetic. Homeschooing is also not for the faint of heart.  You get no brakes and you can't call in sick.  Your children are with you 24/7 and you are mom and teacher. 

Then in 2016 we went down to Mexico with my dad and mom and served at an orphanage as a family.  I loved seeing my children serve others with so much joy and give of themselves.  I also saw how many children need loving homes.

 All of our hearts were touched and we went home and began the process of becoming Foster Parents with the intention of adopting. We had to go through so many classes and the home study with its intense probing of our life was long and invasive.  March 9th 2017 we were officially certified!  Three days later we were headed down to Mexico again to serve at the orphanage one last time for a while knowing we would soon be getting a call to take a child into our home.  We never made it to Mexico that year.

On the way to the airport as we drove with my parents in my dad's suburban, the back tire blew and sent our vehicle into a field with irrigation trenches.  The heavy load on top of the suburban (we were bringing extra bags of items to donate to the orphanage) and the trenches were a deadly cocktail and the vehicle flipped 4 times.  When it finally stopped my mother was dead, my husband terribly injured and my right hand cut up badly.  Praise God all three of my girls only had small cuts and bruises... but we all had broken hearts. 

Losing a mother is like nothing anyone can explain to you until it happens to you, especially when it is so sudden and there isn't a chance to say goodbye.  It also isn't something you ever get over; its only something you learn to live with, a grief that never fully dissipates.

Eight months later after much physical recovery and continued emotional recovery we accepted our first placement from Foster care.  Two little boys.  One was 5 months old and the other was a few months shy of 2 years old.  The baby had a LOT of physical challenges and was sick all the time.  Feeding him and getting him to gain weight was a constant struggle.  The two year old was so incredibly insecure he wanted to be held ALL the time and would have horrible tantrums if he couldn't be held when he wanted to.  Still... we loved them.  The girls and I had a special connection with the 2 year old.  We adored him and felt he was supposed to be part of our forever family.  My husband wasn't so sure.

After numerous court dates and months of back and forth visitations with bio mom, the system decided that they were going to continue to try to reunite mom with the boys even though they had been out of her care for over a year. April 4th 2018 we said goodbye to them and grief overwhelmed us again.  I honestly thought the 2 year old was going to stay.  That he was supposed to stay.  Why not the other?  It was complicated and I can't share the details.  But I honestly felt with my whole heart that 2 year old was our son.  And then he was gone. 

August 31st 2018 we brought in our last little guy.  He was 7 weeks old.  Oh the things this poor little baby had gone through all ready by the time we got him but he was so perfect and so beautiful. We were certain this one was going to stay and be our child.  We all loved this one.  Even my husband saw him as a son and the girls saw him as their little brother.  Both parents were out of the picture so we just thought it was a matter of time till he would be ours. 

November 8th.  The day of the Paradise Campfire.  We escaped.  But we lost everything we owned.  We left thinking there was no way the fire could get to our house.  It would have to burn the entire town down to get to where we lived... no way that would ever happen, but it did.  The town, the neighborhood and our home.  We were homeless.  We were possession-less.  And we were in shock.

The next day my dad told us he found out he has cancer.  Wow.  What next?!

How could this happen?!  What were we supposed to do now?  We were sleeping crammed in one bedroom and spread out on two couches, Shane, the girls, our foster baby and me.  Then after a couple of weeks we were able to move into my dad's house with him.  Still we were lost and without any worldly comforts... at least we had each other.  That is until March 1st when they took our baby.  An assumed relative (no DNA tests to prove it even though I offered to pay for it) came forward and they gave our baby to him.  That was it.  He was gone. Our hearts were broken again.

How many times can a heart break??? I just don't even want to know.  So many things in the past two years, if you had told me what was going to happen I would have told you, "no way! No way I could ever survive that much pain.  No way I could ever get through tragedies like that."  But that's not true.  I can, we can.  We have, and we still are.  All of this is a process to process.  None of it is over for us.  We are daily walking though some part of all of the above and working through working through it.

And guess what?  It's NOT home sweet home, and we have had to constantly ADJUST!  Thank God that He gives us the grace when we need it and the strength when we need it and that some days are just made for crying. 

So now... after all we have been though it is Resurrection Sunday and my birthday.  The day I was born into this world and the day Jesus was reborn a new creation come back from the dead.  I feel like I need to come back from the dead.  I am trusting in His workings in my life.  I am trusting that He sees more, way more than I do and He knows just how to weave all of this into something beautiful.

So here is to new beginnings, to new life and to finding Home Sweet Home in the midst of losing so very much.  The journey begins.